Things I’ve Learned from Summer Movie Season

Things I’ve Learned from Summer Movie Season

I’m a little wiser. Aren’t you?

Here is a list of the top ten (or so) things that I’ve learned from the summer movie season. Some related to movies, some related to the ambience of the theatre itself.

  1. Don’t visit big cities. Inevitably; natural disasters, alien invasions, and all sorts of destruction only visit big cities. Usually in the busiest sections of the city too. Definitely avoid downtown, tourist spots and for god’s sake never, ever visit a landmark.
  2. No matter how invulnerable or indestructable an alien/monster appears for the first 3/4 of the movie; at the crucial time, its weakness will be exposed and then defeated because of it. If I were the hero of the movie, I’d just sit around smokin’ a stogey until about 1:45 in the movie when this happens. Fighting it in the interim is useless anyways.
  3. While waiting for #2 to happen and I were the hero, I’d be nailing the hot chick I’ve been teamed with. She hates me now, but of course she’ll love me by the end of the film. Spend that 1:45 by buttering her up.
  4. The human bladder and stomach can easily hold about a gallon of liquid and ten pounds of popcorn. Because those are the only sizes that are served.
  5. People lose the ability to urinate into a toilet in a public facility. Dodging puddles of urine is almost as exciting as the movie itself. If there is a toilet seat to urinate on; it will be urinated on.
  6. 2 year old kids are appropriate companionship to a movie that promises gore, blood, cursing, death and general mayhem. They love it!
  7. No matter how difficult the fight may be, how dire the situation is; there is always time for a mildly amusing quip to make the audience laugh.
  8. (followup from #1) Aliens and natural disasters always destroy monuments first. Natural disasters love hitting ancient monuments first (The Roman Colesseum, the Parthenon, etc). Aliens like destroying large buildings in major cities, first. Instinctively, both realize that destroying grandma’s house in BFE, Kansas won’t make an emotional impact with the audience.
  9. The heroes of the movies always possess the unique skills to stop the alien or natural disaster. Even if they don’t realize it at the beginning of the movie..
  10. When killing a minor bad guy; it is best to make a clever quip afterwards to distract the audience from the gruesome blood flow that is surely coming from his newly created hole.
  11. When the movie ends, you’ll inevitably say “I thought it was going to be better” then talk about how much you want to see the sequel.

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