Sarcasm, Fun Stuff

Media Just Making It Up These Days

Fake Names? Or Perfect Career Choices?

Written on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

In the video above, Good Morning America is doing a story about hot dogs. So they drag out this guy to talk about it. What’s his name? Why, Harry Balzer of course!

I’d just chalk that up to coincidence but a few days earlier, Time Magazing ran a story on Iphones and porn. And who do they quote from?

Apple spokeswoman Jennifer Bowcock says the company doesn’t condone iPhone porn distribution and will ban adult content from official applications, just as it has restricted adult content in the podcast section of the Apple store.

Jennifer Bowcock of course - if you don’t get the joke, think about it for a second. An extra L in the name will help.

So we have Harry Balzer talking about hot dogs (of course!) and Jennifer Bowcock talking about porn. You really couldn’t come up with two more perfect people that fit their stories so well if you tried.

Really makes me wonder; is the media just making up these names these days? Or are the marketing people doing it and fooling the media?

Dog Crapping in Front Yard: Google Knows!

Bad Neighbor! Bad! Bad!

Written on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 2 Comments so far

Is your dog crapping in the neighbors front yard? If so, be careful. Big Brother Google is watching and knows!

Ninja Gaiden II - Downloadable Costumes

Come, Dress Your Doll

Written on Friday, May 23rd, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

So word has come out that Ninja Gaiden II will feature packs of downloadable costumes on Xbox Live. Each pack of 5 costumes will cost you $2.50 (200 Microsoft Points). Of course this has lead to complaints from some gamers.

Perusing some of the comments on IGN:

This is the most appalling news I’ve ever read..$2.50 for each costume, you got to be ****** KIDDING ME…You guys would be fools to buy in this nonsense.

More…

This is indeed a ripoff. But even knowing it’s a ripoff, I’m still going to buy it.

More, from someone who gets it. Sorta.

Man, talk about milking your customers. At least we don’t HAVE to buy it.

Overall, the reaction is mixed. People are stunned (stunned I tell you!) that the video game makers are trying to get a few more bucks out of some of its customer base.

Ya know. Barbie used to charge for outfits too. So, if you must dress your virtual doll, expect to pay for it. No one forces you to brush your ninja’s hair and dress him up all pretty while he goes killing people. But if you must make your ninja look pretty, you might not want to do it for free. N’est pas?

Orangatun Uses a Spear

I, for one, welcome our new simian overlords.

Written on Sunday, April 27th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 1 Comment so far

For the first time ever, an Orangatun was photographed a spear to catch fish. Tool use is not new for Orangatuns, they have already reached the intelligence level of most guys with a remote control:

an adult male orang-utan broke off a dead branch and used it to scratch his rear for half a minute.

So I’m not too worried, yet. Even less worrisome, is that this orangatun seemed to have just been copying the idea from local fisherman:

This individual had seen locals fishing with spears on the Gohong River.

Although the method required too much skill for him to master, he was later able to improvise by using the pole to catch fish already trapped in the locals’ fishing lines.

So, the orangatun did not come up with the idea on his own. This is simply a case of “monkey see, monkey do”.  Ace is justifiably alarmed at the concept though.

We know where this train is headed.

So, is it time to nuke ‘em from orbit, just to be sure? Not yet. But maybe it is time to re-aim a few nukes their way. Just to be safe. You know. For now, I’m just going to blame Global Warming(tm).

This, on the heels of scientists revealing that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was just a big chicken; my whole concept of the planet has been shattered.

Halp Us Brak, We R Stuck in Small Town

Halp Us

Written on Friday, April 11th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 8 Comments so far

Obama put his foot in it again today, saying that:

And it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.

So, in celebration of his discovery of my bitterness and anger, here is a photo from my small town today; complete with the general sentiment of those who live here:

So my small town agrees (as does the media). Just a bunch of gun toting, bible reading, unemployed hicks waiting for our Jesus to come along and save us from our world of pain and suffering.

It doesn’t bug me that Obama thinks this about small town folks (is anyone -really- surprised that he thinks this?), but that he doesn’t even have the audicity (of hope) to tell small town folks to their faces that he wants to spread his message. Hey, Obama, if you are gonna bring hope to these downtrodden people, I suggest you begin them on their 12 step journey; help them see that they are xenophobic protectionist gun toting bible thumpers who stroke their rifle because jesus tells them too. Help them see the error of their ways. But do it to their face, not to a bunch of billionaires in San Francisco.

Hallelujah!

(More coverage at Instapundit and Ace)

You’re My Brown Eyed Girl

Shit or get off the pot.

Written on Thursday, March 13th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

This story was brought to my attention yesterday by Hot Air. This one is ripe for potty humor but I need to set the stage first:

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

From the story, we know this much about the woman:

Favorite Song: Brown Eyed Girl (come on, that was obvious!)

We also know that she, clearly, cannot spare a square. Nor can she pinch a loaf properly.

But, the real question plaguing your mind right now is: How did they have sex? He claims they had a normal relationship, which means of course doing the nasty business from time to time. So how was it accomplished?

I see two possibilities, besides the possibility of her doing this orally of course.

The most likely one was that when she fell asleep, he rolled her off the toilet, did his business and put her back on. Natural lubricants being present and all, ya know. (Gross, you say! Hey. Someone had to say it!)

Second, I suppose that he could lift the seat up, kinda  position himself there and they could go at it. Larry Craig clearly proved that getting it on in a bathroom is both natural and exciting. So, they were just following in his foot steps.

But most importantly, I think he waited so long to call the cops because he was finally glad that he didn’t have to watch another episode of Oprah. Imagine having two years of being able to watch what you wanna watch. You’d take it, wouldn’t you? I mean, you have a yard. Toilets are simply a luxury, really.

Some women take so long in the bathroom anyways. He might’ve just thought it only -felt- like two years.

Fire Doesn’t Melt Steel: Celebrity Moron Edition

Oy Vey!

Written on Thursday, March 6th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 6 Comments so far

We have another celebrity coming out party. Yet another science major thinks that fire cannot melt steel. I haven’t blogged about these 9/11 truther morons in forever, because the target is just too easy. But celebrities get more press, so it’s fun to laugh at their buffoonery. Here is a quote from the story:

Miss O’Donnell claims the collapse of the World Trade Center towers was “the first time in history that fire has ever melted steel — it is physically impossible.”

Samurai Sword makers, Blacksmiths, Steel smelters, and Steel recyclers all boggle at this amazing concept of fire not being able to melt steel. Where do these people think steel comes from? It’s melted from a mixture of metals. With fire. And shaped. With fire. To make things out of it. And when it’s not needed; it’s torn down and melted, with fire, and recycled to make other things. It’s a very stunning concept, really.

The Steel Growers Farm Association is pleased to know that they have another customer though!

The customer base for growing steel girders from seeds and letting them grow naturally with sunlight and love; then cutting them down with hammer and chisels just isn’t the business it was eons ago; before, you know, fire was discovered. Accursed blacksmiths! So support your local pre-caveman farmers, generating steel like it was meant to be generated! On farms, from seeds. With love.

Sex Offender Wins $10 Million Lottery

Excellent.

Written on Sunday, February 10th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 3 Comments so far

A sex offender in Massachusetts has won the $10 million state lottery. But you know, this isn’t the first time this has happened. Seems to me, that your odds of winning the lottery are a lot higher if you are a sex offender. Wonder if it’s some sort of affirmative action program or something.

Here’s a choice quote from the story:

Snay works driving trucks for a yacht dealership in Mendon. He won the $10 million from a $20 scratch ticket purchased at Cumberland Farms in Hopedale.

Of course he drives a truck! Probably more like a van. And it has pictures of ice creams cones or puppies painted on the side. And his deliveries are always strangely close to playgrounds - or at least pass that way for mysterious reasons, while listening to ice cream man songs.

Here’s the most interesting part of this story, though (to me, at least):

Snay’s record of sexual assaults dates back to 1974. He has been convicted six times of indecent assault and battery in Massachusetts. Level 3 offenders are considered the most dangerous and the most likely to commit another crime.

He’s a level 3 sex offender? I’m curious. At level 4, does he get a +1 Magic Van and +2 Puppy?

Hey, I found that funny. And so did anyone who played Dungeons and Dragons, so there!

Google Embraces Festivus

A festivus for the rest of us!

Written on Monday, December 17th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

Anyone remember the episode of Seinfeld, where George decides to embrace Festivus?

GEORGE: (Reading the card from Whatley) “This holiday season a donation has been made in your name to the Children’s Alliance.”?

JERRY: Oh, that’s nice.

GEORGE: I got him Yankee’s tickets! He got me a piece of paper saying “I’ve given your gift to someone else!”

JERRY: To a children’s charity!

GEORGE: Don’t you see how wrong that is?! Where’s your Christmas spirit? And eye for an eye!

Well, our yearly Google gift came today.  They sent a USB card with 2 gigabytes of storage (pretty cool) but along with it, they sent this letter:

Thank you for your partnership with Google this year. To show our appreciation, Google would like you to support a public school classroom of your choosing through DonorsChoose.org

DonorsChoose.org is a non-profit organization where you can choose a classroom project to bring to life - a reading corner, a field trip, a computer lab, or whatever inspires you.

When you redeem the enclosed gift card, you will give books, art supplies, technology, or other resources to students in low-income communities.

Thank you for taking the time to help us give back.

As I said in my previous post, I gave to a charity this year (and do every year these days) as well and I think this is a great idea. I just think it’s funny how life imitates Seinfeld in this situation.

Lawyer of the Year 2007

The runner-up says it all.

Written on Thursday, December 13th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

ABA Journal has released its choice as the 2007 lawyer of the year. I’ll let you click the link to figure out who it was. But the runners-up says everything you need to know about a lawyer. They are Michael Nifong and Howard K Stern. I totally agree with the ABA that these 2 guys are the pre-eminent face of lawyers that most people have.

Michael Nifong attempted to railroad innocent college kids by hiding evidence only to have his licence taken away and serve a year in prison - or something like that. You can read up on the entire Duke Lacrosse case here.

Howard K Stern is a virtual saint in comparison. He only violated ethics and slept with his client and had a non-binding marriage to the client. He was also, apparently, in the room when her son died and may have given him drugs. He was also hanging around with her when she finally died as well. And he’s alleged to have an affair with the father of Anna Nicole’s child - not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Yes, the ABA has much to be proud of in 2007.

« Previous Entries