Sarcasm, Fun Stuff

Media Just Making It Up These Days

Fake Names? Or Perfect Career Choices?

Written on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

In the video above, Good Morning America is doing a story about hot dogs. So they drag out this guy to talk about it. What’s his name? Why, Harry Balzer of course!

I’d just chalk that up to coincidence but a few days earlier, Time Magazing ran a story on Iphones and porn. And who do they quote from?

Apple spokeswoman Jennifer Bowcock says the company doesn’t condone iPhone porn distribution and will ban adult content from official applications, just as it has restricted adult content in the podcast section of the Apple store.

Jennifer Bowcock of course - if you don’t get the joke, think about it for a second. An extra L in the name will help.

So we have Harry Balzer talking about hot dogs (of course!) and Jennifer Bowcock talking about porn. You really couldn’t come up with two more perfect people that fit their stories so well if you tried.

Really makes me wonder; is the media just making up these names these days? Or are the marketing people doing it and fooling the media?

Dog Crapping in Front Yard: Google Knows!

Bad Neighbor! Bad! Bad!

Written on Wednesday, May 28th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 2 Comments so far

Is your dog crapping in the neighbors front yard? If so, be careful. Big Brother Google is watching and knows!

Ninja Gaiden II - Downloadable Costumes

Come, Dress Your Doll

Written on Friday, May 23rd, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

So word has come out that Ninja Gaiden II will feature packs of downloadable costumes on Xbox Live. Each pack of 5 costumes will cost you $2.50 (200 Microsoft Points). Of course this has lead to complaints from some gamers.

Perusing some of the comments on IGN:

This is the most appalling news I’ve ever read..$2.50 for each costume, you got to be ****** KIDDING ME…You guys would be fools to buy in this nonsense.

More…

This is indeed a ripoff. But even knowing it’s a ripoff, I’m still going to buy it.

More, from someone who gets it. Sorta.

Man, talk about milking your customers. At least we don’t HAVE to buy it.

Overall, the reaction is mixed. People are stunned (stunned I tell you!) that the video game makers are trying to get a few more bucks out of some of its customer base.

Ya know. Barbie used to charge for outfits too. So, if you must dress your virtual doll, expect to pay for it. No one forces you to brush your ninja’s hair and dress him up all pretty while he goes killing people. But if you must make your ninja look pretty, you might not want to do it for free. N’est pas?

Orangatun Uses a Spear

I, for one, welcome our new simian overlords.

Written on Sunday, April 27th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 1 Comment so far

For the first time ever, an Orangatun was photographed a spear to catch fish. Tool use is not new for Orangatuns, they have already reached the intelligence level of most guys with a remote control:

an adult male orang-utan broke off a dead branch and used it to scratch his rear for half a minute.

So I’m not too worried, yet. Even less worrisome, is that this orangatun seemed to have just been copying the idea from local fisherman:

This individual had seen locals fishing with spears on the Gohong River.

Although the method required too much skill for him to master, he was later able to improvise by using the pole to catch fish already trapped in the locals’ fishing lines.

So, the orangatun did not come up with the idea on his own. This is simply a case of “monkey see, monkey do”.  Ace is justifiably alarmed at the concept though.

We know where this train is headed.

So, is it time to nuke ‘em from orbit, just to be sure? Not yet. But maybe it is time to re-aim a few nukes their way. Just to be safe. You know. For now, I’m just going to blame Global Warming(tm).

This, on the heels of scientists revealing that the Tyrannosaurus Rex was just a big chicken; my whole concept of the planet has been shattered.

Obama Compares Hillary to Annie Oakley

Epic Fail.

Written on Sunday, April 13th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

After yesterday, I thought we’d be done with this. But Obama decided that he needs to compound his error by claiming that Hillary is Annie Oakley. While it’s an obvious attempt to attack her ridiculous claim that she is somehow a fan of hunting and guns, Obama has given Hillary yet another chance to fake her non-elitist credentials.

 ”She’s running around talking about how this is an insult to sportsmen, how she values the Second Amendment, she’s talking like she’s Annie Oakley! Hillary Clinton’s out there like she’s on the duck blind every Sunday, she’s packin’ a six shooter! C’mon! She knows better. That’s some politics being played by Hillary Clinton. I want to see that picture of her out there in the duck blinds.”

By thanking him for comparing her to Oakley. It’ll help shed her own “elitist” air while making him appear more so. How? By listing off some of Oakley’s acheivements through life. All she has to do is go to Wikipedia:

Because of poverty, she did not attend school. Paid off her own mortgage through hunting and selling the kills to locals. She also supported her siblings. (She was probably bitter though - since Obama’s government was not there to do all of this for her, so Obama has that going for him!) She promoted service of women in the military, championed women’s rights and she gave much of her fortune to charity once she died.

So, Hillary. Run with this one, too. Obama is looking ridiculous this whole weekend and this whole episode will help you win PA. Run with the Oakley comparison. Keep this thing going. Republicans are loving it. Both of you look ridiculous. But you are ever so slightly less so.

Garfield: A Lesson in Schizophrenia

Awesome. Just awesome.

Written on Wednesday, March 19th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: 5 Comments so far

I saw a new(?) site out there that takes Garfield comics, but removes that stupid unfunny fat cat and turns into a lesson in schizophrenia. Here is a sampling of the comics:

It’s hilarious and sad all at the same time. Garfield, as you can see, isn’t really missed and the comic simply morphs into reality. Where the cat doesn’t talk back (or is even present) and Jon is just, more or less, a little insane. Wonderful!

You’re My Brown Eyed Girl

Shit or get off the pot.

Written on Thursday, March 13th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

This story was brought to my attention yesterday by Hot Air. This one is ripe for potty humor but I need to set the stage first:

A 35-year-old woman who sat on her boyfriend’s toilet for so long that her body was stuck to the seat had a phobia about leaving the bathroom, the boyfriend said.

From the story, we know this much about the woman:

Favorite Song: Brown Eyed Girl (come on, that was obvious!)

We also know that she, clearly, cannot spare a square. Nor can she pinch a loaf properly.

But, the real question plaguing your mind right now is: How did they have sex? He claims they had a normal relationship, which means of course doing the nasty business from time to time. So how was it accomplished?

I see two possibilities, besides the possibility of her doing this orally of course.

The most likely one was that when she fell asleep, he rolled her off the toilet, did his business and put her back on. Natural lubricants being present and all, ya know. (Gross, you say! Hey. Someone had to say it!)

Second, I suppose that he could lift the seat up, kinda  position himself there and they could go at it. Larry Craig clearly proved that getting it on in a bathroom is both natural and exciting. So, they were just following in his foot steps.

But most importantly, I think he waited so long to call the cops because he was finally glad that he didn’t have to watch another episode of Oprah. Imagine having two years of being able to watch what you wanna watch. You’d take it, wouldn’t you? I mean, you have a yard. Toilets are simply a luxury, really.

Some women take so long in the bathroom anyways. He might’ve just thought it only -felt- like two years.

You Make Up the Story

Enjoy!

Written on Friday, January 4th, 2008 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

Your words are: “poo” “chute” “snow-holing” “feces” “park” “Christmas” “contamination” “rigid bottle” “coming” and “deposit”

You make up your own story. It cannot possibly be any weirder than the actual story.