Delicious Food

Confirmed: Time Magazine Run By Pansies

At least they admit it.

Written on Tuesday, October 30th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: 1 Comment so far

In the annals of history, I don’t think anyone has come out so forcefully and said “I’m a pansy” in such a way as Time Magazine did today.

In a story listing the top 25 horror movies, Bambi came in at number 20. Is the writer at Times that sheltered? Bambi? Yeah, Thumper gives me the heebie jeebies too.

I know this story is blatant link bait for Halloween, but come on people. Bambi? I know that Time is trying to wussify our culture with this stuff but have we really sunk that low where Bambi beats out Frankenstein or Dracula or some of the other classics?

Bambi? He’s what’s for dinner. Not what’s giving me nightmares.

The Problem with Walmart

Whatever works.

Written on Sunday, October 21st, 2007 by lorien1973 :: 4 Comments so far

Let me preface this piece by saying that I think Walmart is a great business concept. It sells goods available at hundreds of locations for cheaper prices so we all save money by purchasing from them. Others can argue whether Walmart is beneficial or not; I don’t really care. It’s a free market and Walmart is winning in their industry - everything else is just sour grapes.

There isn’t another company that I’m aware of that employs people who serve no actual purpose to the company. I’m talking about greeters, of course. They do nothing for the company, they don’t make the experience better; I’d even argue that some of the them make the experience just a little creepy. They serve no real function to Walmart. They don’t stock the shelves, they don’t checkout customers, they don’t help customers find items; they just stand around and say “Hello!” and get paid for it - and from my experience there this weekend they get paid for following me around for just a little bit too long.

Anyways, back to my story. I don’t shop at Walmart as much as I used to. We just got one down the road from me, but I’ve been finding that I go to Publix more and more often, even though I can get the same stuff cheaper a few miles away. So this weekend, I decide to go grocery shopping at midnight. Nevermind the overly creepy greeter I encounter tonight; I’m sort of used to that.

But I buy everything I need, including meat and fruit. The fruit, as always, is cheaper than Publix, but it doesn’t taste as good either. The bananas have a slightly different texture and less taste as if farmed if in lower quality farms or where-ever. The broccoli tasteless and not fully green like I’m used to from Publix, either. All-in-all, disappointing fruit and vegetables. Sad.

But it’s the meat products at Walmart that always disappoint me. It seems that, no matter what I choose, the meat is dry and has a weird aftertaste that makes me wonder what these things are being fed before served to us. Every beef product I’ve bought at Walmart lately has this same strange quality  - or lack thereof.

So, I guess I’ll have to do my shopping before 10 pm now and wander down to Publix for my groceries. No more midnight shopping though, I think I’ll miss that. Nothing quite like having a store to yourself and the stock people and the strange greeting people.

Sherry Enemas & Murder - Need I Say More?

Always protect the A Gap.

Written on Friday, October 5th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: 1 Comment so far

So, you need a drink? But recently had surgery and can’t drink alcohol? And exactly how badly do you need said drink?

Would you take it … anally? Alcohol enemas are all the rage these days, apparently. Tammy Jean Warner loved her husband so much that she gave him a sherry enema which elevated his blood alcohol level to .47 - almost 6 times the legal limit. He died, of course and she was charged with negligent homicide but those charges have been dropped because of lack of evidence.

The jokes are too easy here and way too graphic, so please feel free to insert your own. All I know is I cannot look at Sherry the same way again.

Keira Knightley: Anorexic Pez Dispenser

Anorexia is hot!

Written on Thursday, August 30th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: 11 Comments so far

Yummy. Keira Knightley is lookin’ fine these days. Reminds me of something I used to enjoy as a child - Pez. What is going on in the world when anorexia is considered a fashion statement and something to be admired?

She’s just another in a long line of movie stars who have begun to look freakishly skinny. Nicole Richie. Rene Zellweger. Both come to mind immediately. It’s scary and it doesn’t look good either. It looks awful.

You Put One of Ours in the Hospital…

We’ll Put One of Yours in the Morgue

Written on Wednesday, May 30th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

A great movie line; come to life.

First; the set up.

You put one of ours in the hospital…

The 50-year-old suffered a severe allergic reaction after the creature gnawed him.

It happened as he tried to rescue it from under the floorboards at his home in Worcestershire.

The hamster had been accidentally let out of its cage by the man’s seven-year-old daughter.

And we’ll put one of yours in the morgue.

A British performance artist has eaten part of a corgi — the breed of dog that is the favorite pet of Queen Elizabeth II — to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.

Take that, Mother Nature! You wanna fight. We’ll give you a fight. Come get some.

Bud Light Apology Bot

Ha Ha!

Written on Wednesday, March 28th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: 2 Comments so far

Now for something completely stupid. Send an apology to anyone for anything. Awesome, plus get a free commercial afterwards. Who could ask for anything more?

New Fad Diet: Socialist Utopianism

Starving does a body good!

Written on Thursday, February 8th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: Be the first to Comment

Have a few pounds you need to shed? Those love handles not looking too lovely anymore? Try this hot new Hollywood diet, endorsed by everyone from Cindy Sheehan:

O’Donnell asked: “Why go stand by side by Hugo Chavez in Venezuela? Why do that? Would you rather live under him than George Bush?

Sheehan: “Yes. Hugo Chavez is not a dictator like you introduced him. He’s been democratically elected eight times. He is not anti-American, he has helped the poor people of America.

Danny Glover, Harry Belafonte, and others agree as well. This is fantastic diet plan.

Mr Finlayson said his delegation ignored such voices because the goal was to express solidarity, not investigate. But the group did encounter some Chavez critics: walking through a wealthy district of Caracas, it was pelted with eggs.

So what is this new fabulous diet that has Hollywood abuzz? Socialist utopianism, commonly known as starvation!

Meat cuts vanished from Venezuelan supermarkets this week, leaving only unsavory bits like chicken feet, while costly artificial sweeteners have increasingly replaced sugar, and many staples sell far above government-fixed prices.

President Hugo Chavez’s administration blames the food supply problems on unscrupulous speculators, but industry officials say government price controls that strangle profits are responsible.

No meat, no sugar? The no-carb diet people will love this. It’s a brand new tourist enticement. Venezuela - come and starve.

Gonzalo Asuaje, president of the meat processors association Afrigo, said that costs and demand have surged but in four years the government has barely raised the price of beef, which now stands at $1.82 per pound. Simply getting beef to retailers now costs $2.41 per pound without including any markup, he said.

“They want to sell it at the same price the cattle breeder gets for his cow,” he said. “It’s impossible.”

You don’t need to eat when you live in a socialist utopia. That’s the lesson people never seem to learn. Perfection has its price; and that price is starvation.

Clementine Oranges

The best orange on the planet? Yes!

Written on Saturday, January 27th, 2007 by lorien1973 :: 2 Comments so far

Is it me, or are clementine oranges the best oranges in the world. Small, not too sweet and easy to peel. Publix, our local supermarket, has a crate of them (about 20 or 30 oranges) for like $5. Can’t beat the price either. I’m not sure if they are recent arrivals in the supermarket or not, but I don’t remember seeing them a few years ago, but glad I found them! Get a crate or two of these things; you won’t regret it!

Oh yeah! They are seedless too! Does it get any better?