It brings me to tears to have to admit this; but the Loch Ness Monster is dead, victim of that there Global Warming(tm). He, apparently died recently, although it survived for many thousands, if not millions of years, through global temperature variations that ranged between 10 and 20 degrees in celcius, in its part of the world.
But alas, that 0.5 degree change over the past 100 years were too much and it succumbed to Global Warming(tm). It was then dragged onto the shore and run over multiple times by a pack of wild SUVs – just to be safe.
Despite having hundreds of sonar contacts over the years, the trail has since gone cold and Rines believes that Nessie may be dead, a victim of global warming.
Everyone light a candle tonight; for this is the end of an era. Another mythical monster is dead; but at least we know the cause this time. Global Warming. Bastards. When will this madness ever end?