Love makes people do weird things.

A northern California man was in police custody on Friday after allegedly stealing his ex-girlfriend’s pet dog, cooking it and feeding it to her, police said.

I think it’s safe to say that this guy was a South Park fan:

Following the meal, which contained meat, Watenpaugh sent her text messages asking how her dog tasted, police said. A few days later, he left a bag on her porch that contained two dog paws.

 

My ode to Publix, my local supermarket.

Where else can I get 2-1 deals on stuff I buy every week and sometimes a $5 or $10 coupon every few weeks as well? Where else can I get 2 boxes of Steak-Ums (16 patties, $9.99 each), for the price of one? Where else can I get 2 bags of Ruffles for the price of 1? Where else can I get 2 Hungry Man meals for the price of 1? And even 2 bags of salad for the price of one? Where else can I get Mangos 2 for the price of 1?

And then honor coupons on those same purchases! Oh, my secret Publix mistress, I love you. If you ever put vegetables or meat on 2 for 1, I might just have to do very naughty things to you.

Where else can I buy $250 worth of food, only pay $160, and save $90 on my purchases by exploiting the 2 for 1 offers to the maximum.

Spider eats Bird

Spider eats Bird

In a metaphor for the upcoming election; a huge spider has consumed a bird – something you would not normally think possible.

If you consider that the spider is Obama; and the middle class is the bird that is about to be consumed.

It’s all about spreading the wealth around. You know. People who don’t work for a living deserve to have a cell phone, 2 TVs, a car, an AC and a house too. You’re racist for even suggesting otherwise.

In the annals of history, I don’t think anyone has come out so forcefully and said “I’m a pansy” in such a way as Time Magazine did today.

In a story listing the top 25 horror movies, Bambi came in at number 20. Is the writer at Times that sheltered? Bambi? Yeah, Thumper gives me the heebie jeebies too.

I know this story is blatant link bait for Halloween, but come on people. Bambi? I know that Time is trying to wussify our culture with this stuff but have we really sunk that low where Bambi beats out Frankenstein or Dracula or some of the other classics?

Bambi? He’s what’s for dinner. Not what’s giving me nightmares.

Let me preface this piece by saying that I think Walmart is a great business concept. It sells goods available at hundreds of locations for cheaper prices so we all save money by purchasing from them. Others can argue whether Walmart is beneficial or not; I don’t really care. It’s a free market and Walmart is winning in their industry – everything else is just sour grapes.

There isn’t another company that I’m aware of that employs people who serve no actual purpose to the company. I’m talking about greeters, of course. They do nothing for the company, they don’t make the experience better; I’d even argue that some of the them make the experience just a little creepy. They serve no real function to Walmart. They don’t stock the shelves, they don’t checkout customers, they don’t help customers find items; they just stand around and say “Hello!” and get paid for it – and from my experience there this weekend they get paid for following me around for just a little bit too long.

Anyways, back to my story. I don’t shop at Walmart as much as I used to. We just got one down the road from me, but I’ve been finding that I go to Publix more and more often, even though I can get the same stuff cheaper a few miles away. So this weekend, I decide to go grocery shopping at midnight. Nevermind the overly creepy greeter I encounter tonight; I’m sort of used to that.

But I buy everything I need, including meat and fruit. The fruit, as always, is cheaper than Publix, but it doesn’t taste as good either. The bananas have a slightly different texture and less taste as if farmed if in lower quality farms or where-ever. The broccoli tasteless and not fully green like I’m used to from Publix, either. All-in-all, disappointing fruit and vegetables. Sad.

But it’s the meat products at Walmart that always disappoint me. It seems that, no matter what I choose, the meat is dry and has a weird aftertaste that makes me wonder what these things are being fed before served to us. Every beef product I’ve bought at Walmart lately has this same strange quality  – or lack thereof.

So, I guess I’ll have to do my shopping before 10 pm now and wander down to Publix for my groceries. No more midnight shopping though, I think I’ll miss that. Nothing quite like having a store to yourself and the stock people and the strange greeting people.

So, you need a drink? But recently had surgery and can’t drink alcohol? And exactly how badly do you need said drink?

Would you take it … anally? Alcohol enemas are all the rage these days, apparently. Tammy Jean Warner loved her husband so much that she gave him a sherry enema which elevated his blood alcohol level to .47 – almost 6 times the legal limit. He died, of course and she was charged with negligent homicide but those charges have been dropped because of lack of evidence.

The jokes are too easy here and way too graphic, so please feel free to insert your own. All I know is I cannot look at Sherry the same way again.

Yummy. Keira Knightley is lookin’ fine these days. Reminds me of something I used to enjoy as a child – Pez. What is going on in the world when anorexia is considered a fashion statement and something to be admired?

Keira Knightley

She’s just another in a long line of movie stars who have begun to look freakishly skinny. Nicole Richie. Rene Zellweger. Both come to mind immediately. It’s scary and it doesn’t look good either. It looks awful.

A great movie line; come to life.

First; the set up.

You put one of ours in the hospital

The 50-year-old suffered a severe allergic reaction after the creature gnawed him.

It happened as he tried to rescue it from under the floorboards at his home in Worcestershire.

The hamster had been accidentally let out of its cage by the man’s seven-year-old daughter.

And we’ll put one of yours in the morgue.

A British performance artist has eaten part of a corgi — the breed of dog that is the favorite pet of Queen Elizabeth II — to protest the alleged mistreatment of animals by the royal family.

Take that, Mother Nature! You wanna fight. We’ll give you a fight. Come get some.