Impregnating Hindus for Fun and Profit!

Here’s the deal. You, too, can go to a foreign country and be worshipped as a Goddess (doesn’t matter if you are male or not) and have sex with the locals. For fun! And, more importantly, profit!

 Sounds too good to be true? Not so!

A jobless man from south London has begun a new life – as a goddess in India.

Steve Cooper, from Tooting, blesses Hindus who believe he can cure their infertility.

I’m curious who Goddess Cooper realized he had this power to cure infertility. I’m definitely willing to give it a go myself and see what my magical device can cure too.

He wears a holy saffron robe and lives among 80 eunuchs.

One pilgrim said she had travelled for days to be blessed by him. “My sister-in-law came here and she got pregnant immediately,” she said.

Hmm. I wonder how this happened? Did the eunuchs do something here? Unlikely. Or did the goddess get freaky to “cure” this woman? This story only vaguely reminds me of the family doctor who used his own sperm to impregnate his patients.

Cooper added: “They revere me and believe I am a goddess. I feel what they feel in me. When I touch people I connect with them.”

Of this we do not doubt. Well played, my good man. Well played. I, too, worship you.

Update: I’d be remiss if I did not mention this. The guy is from Tooting. The story title is “Tooting man worshipped as goddess.” Yes, I was expecting his ability to present itself in the form of a face fart. So, alas, the story was a slight letdown.

Knut Devours its First Victim

I warned you. And you laughed. How could this aborable little creature kill anyone. But whose laughing now?

Knut’s killing spree has begun and soon its victims will be too numerous to count. I said whip out the clubs; but you whipped out the hugs instead.

The blood of innumerable victims are on your hands.

“Lots of people gave up on seeing Knut because of the long queues, so they went to see Yan Yan instead. She seemed intimidated and anxious,” wrote the paper, suggesting Yan Yan could have had a heart attack.

Berlin Zoo denied any link.

“I can say with absolute certainty that there was no connection between Yan Yan’s death and Knut,” said a spokesman.

“Our keepers were stunned. The sad thing is that because of the excitement around Knut, she died alone and no one immediately noticed that she had passed away.”

Oh sure. Deny any link without investigating. Is Knut capable of killing people without even touching them? Apparently.

Animal activists were right. Kill this little anti-christ bear now before it’s too late.

Good Copywriting and Inventory Turnover

There are days when I wonder “Is copywriting worth it?” The big stores, Amazon, Target, Walmart, et al, do not invest any time in copywriting for products. They take the simple “just the facts” approach to an item, completely overlooking ambience, personal impressions, etc when displaying the products they sell.

I pay someone to write content for me that does just that – add ambience to a product. Sometimes, I wonder if its worth the expense and extra time it takes to put product online. Occasionally, that question is very difficult to answer; other times it is much more simple.

Today, my copywriter sent back about 200 product descriptions to me, taking me about an hour to put them online and in their proper categories - finally fleshing out the new line of products I mentioned in an earlier post. Well, no less than an hour later, someone comes onto the website and purchases about 15 of those products and a few others as well.  As Borat would say, “Nice”

So, when I ask myself in a week or so, “Is the expense worth it?” I’ll have that answer once again.

Quick turnover is the lifeblood of the retail business; too much money tied up in inventory is a killer, and anything that helps speed up turnover is a good investment. I think that’s a good lesson for today.

Killing Polar Bears for Fun And Profit!

Sometimes, just when you think life can’t get more exciting, someone offers you an enticing offer that you cannot resist.

Polar Bear

What does this bear make you think? Ahhhhhhh! Or unstoppable killing machine.

I’m agreeing with environmentalists and not taking chances – its an unstoppable killing machine and therefore, as they say in the article:

The zoo must kill the bear,” said spokesman Frank Albrecht.

Break out the clubs, boys and girls. This cub is gonna get it! Don’t mess with a pissed off environmentalist. And here’s our opportunity:

Knut, who recently made the official A-list when he was pictured by celebrity photographer Annie Leibovitz for an environmental protection campaign, is scheduled to make his public debut at the zoo in the next few days.

Public debut. More like public extermination. Get him boys!

Global Warming Skeptics Win High Profile Debate

In a high profile debate between Global Warming Skeptics and Alarmists, the skeptics came out on top.

Participants included:

The debate was sponsored by the Oxford-style debating group Intelligence Squared and featured such prominent man-made global warming skeptics as MIT scientist Richard Lindzen, the University of London emeritus professor of biogeography Philip Stott and Physician turned Novelist/filmmaker Michael Crichton on one side.

The scientists arguing for a climate ‘crisis’ were NASA scientist Gavin Schmidt, meteorologist Richard C.J. Somerville of the Scripps Institution of Oceanography and Brenda Ekwurzel of the Union of Concerned Scientists. The event, which was moderated by New York Public Radio’s Brian Lehrer, debated the proposition: “Global warming is not a crisis.”

The audience, who intially had a clear majority (57%) who believed in the crisis, by the end of the debate only 42% believed in the crisis. This tells me two things. That the majority is not certain what it thinks; and that the position is easily changed. Too bad enough real information is not put out there or it would not be such an uphill battle to convince people that the driving force behind this is is cash. Al Gore is cashing in on Global Warming in a big way. So are many scientists who are funded by the government to “prove” Global Warming happens.

Some entertaining quotes from the skeptics side:

Skeptical quotes from Novelist Michael Crichton:

“I would like to suggest a few symbolic actions that right—might really mean something. One of them, which is very simple, 99% of the American population doesn’t care, is ban private jets. Nobody needs to fly in them, ban them now. And, and in addition, [APPLAUSE] “Let’s have the NRDC (Natural Resources Defense Council), the Sierra Club and Greenpeace make it a rule that all of their members, cannot fly on private jets. They must get their houses off the [electrical] grid. They must live in the way that they’re telling everyone else to live. And if they won’t do that, why should we? And why should we take them seriously? [APPLAUSE]”

“I suddenly think about my friends, you know, getting on their private jets. And I think, well, you know, maybe they have the right idea. Maybe all that we have to do is mouth a few platitudes, show a good, expression of concern on our faces, buy a Prius, drive it around for a while and give it to the maid, attend a few fundraisers and you’re done. Because, actually, all anybody really wants to do is talk about it.”

“I mean, haven’t we actually raised temperatures so much that we, as stewards of the planet, have to act? These are the questions that friends of mine ask as they are getting on board their private jets to fly to their second and third homes. [LAUGHTER]“

More…

Skeptical quotes of University of London’s emeritus professor of biogeography Philip Stott:  

“And can I remind everybody that IPCC that we keep talking about, very honestly admits that we know very little about 80% of the factors behind climate change. Well let’s use an engineer; I don’t think I’d want to cross Brooklyn Bridge if it were built by an engineer who only understood 80% of the forces on that bridge. [LAUGHTER]”

More…

Skeptical quotes of MIT’s Professor of Atmospheric Science Richard Lindzen:

“The impact on temperature per unit carbon dioxide actually goes down, not up, with increasing CO2. The role of anthropogenic greenhouse gases is not directly related to the emissions rate or even CO2 levels, which is what the legislation is hitting on, but rather to the impact of these gases on the greenhouse effect.”

“The real signature of greenhouse warming is not surface temperature but temperature in the middle of the troposphere, about five kilometers. And that is going up even slower than the temperature at the surface.”

Congratulations to the skeptics.

E-Stores: Increasing Conversions and Sales

This idea stems from a new line of products we’ll be carrying in one of our webstores. Specifically (shameful self promotion) shower curtains. Along with the curtains, we’ll also be offering tissue box covers, lotion pumps, waste baskets, etc. We haven’t put the full line on the website yet, but while getting dimensions and pictures of each of the items, I was hit by a brilliant (?) idea – and I noticed that even sites like Target.com does not implement (or is implemented very poorly). Here is a link to a page in question on Target. Notice that the item is a “frog shower curtain”. Scroll down a little on the page and check out the section “Guests who bought this item also bought” There are 7 other items there.

How can we improve the customer experience here?

Continue reading

Global Warming Causes Cockroach Migration

The weather is getting hotter, and here come the roaches.

Martyn Robinson from the Australian Museum says the Australian house cockroach, methana marginalus, which likes warmer climates, has begun moving in.

“It’s most likely to be the…warmer climate,” he said.

Well; at least the rising sea levels will drown them quick enough. That is good news, I suppose. Gotta look for those silver linings on a planet where we are all doomed! Doomed!

But I had a thought about this. According to Ray, from Ghostbusters, he was present at an unexplained mass migration of sponges. Did Global Warming cause this too? (IMBD)

Dr. Peter Venkman: As a friend, I have to tell ya you’ve finally gone around the bend on this ghost business. You guys have been running your ass off, meetin’ and greetin’ every schizo in the five boroughs who says he has a paranormal experience. What have you seen?
Dr Ray Stantz: Of course you forget, Peter. I was present at an undersea unexplained mass sponge migration.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Oh, Ray, the sponges “migrated” about a foot and a half.

Unexplained? Bah. Global Warming made them migrate.

I see many possibilities here. Why have science anymore at all? Don’t understand something (re-read the above quote … the hesitation is interesting.  Must be … global warming. Must be)? Global warming caused it. Oh to be a student in school these days.

Can’t find the length of an arc on a circle. Doesn’t matter anymore, global warming will doom us all. I’d use it for causing trouble too. I broke into school and stole the laptops because I wanted to research global warming. Awesome.

Global Warming Hike Ends in Frostbite

God is laughing again. An expedition to the North Pole was been called off due to frostbite.

The explorers, Ann Bancroft and Liv Arnesen, on Saturday called off what was intended to be a 530-mile trek across the Arctic Ocean after Arnesen suffered frostbite in three of her toes, and extreme cold temperatures drained the batteries in some of their electronic equipment.

You’d think that with all there Global Warming going on that the temperatures would allow a 530 mile trek into the Arctic without the risk of losing some toes. But God works in mysterious ways.

Then there was the cold — quite a bit colder, Atwood said, then Bancroft and Arnesen had expected. One night they measured the temperature inside their tent at 58 degrees below zero, and outside temperatures were exceeding 100 below zero at times, Atwood said.

Their hot water bottles froze over and they had to wake up constantly to keep some fresh water available. I figured with all those glaciers melting; there’d be free fresh water everywhere. Hmm. Guess not.

The explorers had planned to call in regular updates to school groups by satellite phone, and had planned online posts with photographic evidence of global warming. In contrast to Bancroft’s 1986 trek across the Arctic with fellow Minnesota explorer Will Steger, this time she and Arnesen were prepared to don body suits and swim through areas where polar ice has melted.

Atwood said there was some irony that a trip to call attention to global warming was scuttled in part by extreme cold temperatures.

“They were experiencing temperatures that weren’t expected with global warming,” Atwood said. “But one of the things we see with global warming is unpredictability.”

Remind me when the post talking unexpected cold temperatures, frost bite and harsher than expected conditions goes online. I don’t think it ever will.

Hat Tip - Ace

 More:

New York Times calls out Gore for Global Warming alarmism and exagerrating the risks.

But part of his scientific audience is uneasy. In talks, articles and blog entries that have appeared since his film and accompanying book came out last year, these scientists argue that some of Mr. Gore’s central points are exaggerated and erroneous. They are alarmed, some say, at what they call his alarmism.

Wonder if the lie about Cardon Dioxide being a leading indicator of Global Warming will ever be mentioned? Probably not, but at least some sanity seems to be creeping into the debate.